The most applicable conflict for this exercise is one that occurred in my personal life recently. Surprise- it was between my 12-year-old daughter and myself. She tends to be *highly* emotional these days, and it seems like every conversation we have would end in conflict if I am not diligent about maintaining my role as a model and guide for her in gaining relationship skills!
The absolute BEST strategy I have learned to address situations of conflict is to re-focus both (or all) parties on the goal(s). I usually frame it through these steps:
1. Lets both (all) take a moment to take a deep breath together (sometimes necessary, sometimes not).
2. What is the goal of this situation (for you, for me, for US?)
3. Let's talk about your goal. What will it look like when you have accomplished this goal? What might be one or two things you will do to take steps toward that goal?
4. Let's talk about my goal. Allow me to share what I think it will look like when I accomplish my goal. Here's one or two things I plan to do to begin to accomplish that goal. Do you have any questions or suggestions?
5. How are our two goals aligned/the same/similar? (are there any components to our goals or steps/actions that are shared?)
6. How can we support each other in our goals without detriment to our own?
7. What might be one or two possible compromises that are necessary in order for us to both be successful?
These steps are variation of those good old conflict resolution steps we've all learned. However- I have found that by focusing on our "goals" instead of "the problem" we are much more able to stay in the positive mindset. Here's an example:
Two children are fighting over a magnifying glass. Instead of asking kid A "what do you see as the problem?" and then kid B "what you YOU see as the problem" and getting the same answer from both of them ("he has that and I want it") I ask them what their goals are. Kid A says, "I want to see the pinecone up close" and kid B says, "so do I!". Ah-ha! We have common ground. This is not a problem. This is an opportunity to work together, share, and interact. Next I ask them, "How can we both reach our goal together?" and they come up with taking turns all on their own.
In the case of my 12-year-old daughter, the truth usually comes down to the fact that her goal is to make decisions on her own and be independent, and my goal is to maintain enough control to make sure she is healthy and safe. This is NOT a problem! This is exactly what should happen in the healthy relationships we have with our children as they grow. Now- the important thing for me is to allow my daughter to see that my goal is really the same as hers- only we need to take it step by step in order for her to grow up at just the right speed. ;) I also use another strategy- I tend to only ask questions and let her do ALL the telling. That puts her in the drivers seat but allows me to navigate so that she can get to just the right destination. (Does this sound a little bit like manipulation? It definitely is not. It is coaching.)
This goal-oriented conflict resolution really feels wonderful and usually leaves all members feeling very well taken care of.
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